Postman Pat – alternative episode


It’s a typically sunny day in Greendale, all the characters are wrapped up as usual in their seasonally inappropriate clothing.

Inside, Pat is sat on his arse whilst Sara makes him and (clearly in the closet) Julian their packed lunches.

Sara – “So Pat, what time will you be back from work today?”

Pat – “Well, assuming it’s a typical day with just the five or so letters to deliver, I should imagine I could spin it out until at least 6pm.”

Sara – “Oh, Pat, you work so hard, I have no idea how you can pack it all in, whilst all I manage to do is look after you boys, run the house and hold down a job at the café at the station – whilst you do your best to lose most of the village’s post. Do you think you could fit in dropping Julian off at school?”

Pat looks at his watch, exhales deeply and decides he may as well help out his wife.

Pat – “Aye, go on then luv. I’ll take him for you, I’m sure you can catch up on the ironing. Come on Julian, take a break from your needlework – wow is that a picture of Kylie? –let’s go to school.”

Julian – “Ok Dad, it’s almost finished anyway. I’ll leave it right here, next to Jess, because he never gets into any trouble and wouldn’t ever plan on doing something so catlike as to pull apart the fabric of my needlework I’ve worked so hard on.”

Sara – “Here you go boys, here are your lunches. Be good and I’ll see you later. Julian, I’ll pick you up from your dance class.”

Later that day, Pat has managed to deliver his three letters of the day and its only midday. He decides as it’s been such a busy morning, he’ll have his lunch by the river. On his way he drives past the Vicar tending his odd looking tomato plants and gives him a wave.

Vicar – “Hello Pat, would you like a cup of tea, and some of the special chocolate brownies I’ve made?”

Pat – “That’s very kind of you Vicar, but I’ve got a lot on today. I’ve got to get a letter to Ajay at some point.”

Vicar – (giggling) “No problem Pat, I’ve probably had enough already. See you later.”

After Pat’s leisurely lunch, he’s having a bit of a nap when his special delivery phone buzzes in his trouser pocket.

Pondering on whether he should leave it to ring whilst thinking about that hottie vet, Pat decides he may as well answer the phone as it’s probably an invite to another party to celebrate his amazing delivery timings.

Pat – “Pat speaking”

Ben – “PAT, where the bloody hell are you? I’ve been calling you, I’ve lost your GPS signal which is attached illegally to your van, I have no idea what you’re up to but this is your final warning. If you don’t bloody well turn up for this special delivery, you will be fired. There are plenty of other idiots who can drive a red van, much better than you.”

Pat – “Ho ho, you do get easily wound up. You should really relax, I’m on my way in.”

Pat puts his phone away, finishes off his cake and, finding it a little dry, thinks of Sara and gives home a call to let her know he’ll be late now he has this special delivery to sort.

The phone rings at the other end for a lengthy time.

Ted – “’ey up, can I ‘elp?”

Pat – “Ted? Is that you?”

Ted – “Oh, aye, ‘ello Pat. How goes it?”

Pat – “Ah, well, tough day, as usual. Why are you answering the phone? Where’s Sara?”

Ted – “Oh, well, you know Pat, I’ve had to fix the washing machine.”

Pat – “I don’t know Ted, the amount of things that break around our house. You’re around almost every day now!”

Ted- “Ah well Pat, you know how it is. Sara tells me she likes a man who’s good with his screwdriver.”

Pat – “Well, it sounds like you’ve got it all under control. I best go, lots to do”

Humming to himself and thinking what a great friend Ted Glen is, Pat pootles to head office to pick up his special delivery, hoping it’ll be late enough that he can use the chopper.


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