With the summer holidays in full swing I’ve found myself in need of a bit of mum’s time off, a little while of just being me.
Hub agreed to me disappearing off for a couple of hours. On my to do list was ‘have at least one unacompanied coffee’ and ‘buy dress for friend’s party’. Here’s the internal monologue for the following 2 hrs (edited a bit for your amusement).
‘Ah, bliss. Two whole hours to do whatever I want. Now, for that coffee in the sunshine.’
Head for fave cafe, only table available inside.
‘Ah well, not too worry. I could get another one later. Oh, looks like he’s given me a cappuccino, instead of a flat white. Should I mention it? No, it’ll just take too long. Enjoy this without the kids. Wonder how they are. Did I remember to leave suncream out? Should I call hub? No, he’ll think I’m interfering. Ok. Dress time.’
Get distracted by market stalls, browsing in windows and generally enjoying not being told to get a move on. Quick time check.
‘Shit. An hour left. Best have a look for a dress.
Not Topshop, just not into crop tops enough. Not like that girl, blimey, if I had abs like that I’d wear crop tops all year round.
New Look, ok, sale…sale…too big…too small…too fluorescent…like that dress.’
Go and try on in changing rooms.
‘Bloody hell. Do I really look like that? That’s some serious suntan marks. Wonder if I can apply fake tan to even out the patches. Ok. Dress one, can’t get over my head. No to that one. Dress 2. Bloody hell. I’ve got four tits. I really need some new underwear.’
‘Ok. Nice dress. Changing room, fuck off THREE mirrors? Are you kidding me? Why on earth, I don’t need to see my imperfections reflected in triplicate. Right, dress. Ok. Not bad. Let’s look in the long mirror. Ah, one of those magic mirrors. Who knew I was a size 6? Really, who believes these things.’
Stand and stare at self. Lady in a cubicle comes out in same dress, she has a bump.
‘Lovely and roomy aren’t they? When are you due?’
Return to changing room. Change and flee quickly. Look at watch. My two hours is up.
Consider texting husband and decide I’ll just have to be unaccountably delayed.
Search for any cafe. Find a seat outdoors, eat chocolate cake, drink coffee.
‘Hmmm. Feeling guilty for eating cake. I’ll have to start diet on Monday to fit into that dress in the wardrobe.’
Kids and husband still out.