As we officially suck at rugby I have decided to run a new sports event, which I believe we will excel in – The Parent Games 2016.
Take a look at the various categories and see which sport you’d be best to represent your country in…
This category requires the following – put a two year old in a pushchair. Place a changing bag stuffed full, on the back of your buggy. Place a bag of potatoes under the buggy and wedge an awkward shaped parcel which doesn’t quite fit on top. Now push the buggy and all contents over a poor condition pavement and up a very long hill, without taking a break. During the event the child will get out of the buggy at some point whilst it is stationary, you must be trained for this occasion (think buggy buckaroo).
Whilst dressed in your office attire, you must be able to run a distance which would usually take you 15 minutes, but you have 8 minutes to complete it. This must be done whilst simultaneously holding a conversation on your phone with your work colleagues, keeping a shoulder bag on you, and wearing high heels. Bonus points will be awarded if your sunglasses are still on your face at the end of the race.
For this category you need to be able to hold two children’s hands, at least four pieces of school paraphernalia i.e. lunchboxes and book bags and still be able to walk across a road safely. You must be dressed in a rain coat which has a hood that does not stay on your head.
For the event, torrential rain will be mimicked therefore training must include a lack of umbrellas.
In one hour you must complete –
A full family shop
a doctor appointment
and get a load of washing out on the line
There will be penalties for throwing anything into the trolley which you’re only buying because they’re on the end of the aisle and they’ll come in useful someday. You will get a bonus point for including alcohol.
Two categories 1) assisted swimming and 2) escorted swimming
Assisted swimming will include getting yourself and a child of your choosing ready for a swimming lesson. The child will be grumpy, you will be tired. Your swimsuit will be made to ride up your arse at every available opportunity, or a strap will fall to expose a breast. This will take place at a time which will cause maximum embarrassment. You will have to take part in a half hour swimming lesson, followed by getting the child and yourself redressed. You will both be damp, the child will be grumpier and you will have to juggle holding a towel around yourself, getting dressed without exposing yourself to other parents and entertaining your child.
For escorted swimming, you will be given 10 minutes to complete a 15 minute drive, you will need to get a post-school child ready for swimming in a cramped changing room surrounded by six other sweaty and smelly children. You will then be expected to sit poolside in 40 degrees humidity, with a bored sibling. Maximum points if you can dress the swimming child afterwards without losing the sibling.
Clay Peppa Pigs are used in place of pigeons. Parents are encouraged to shoot at will for as long as they need. Points will be awarded for how many Peppas are destroyed.
Training can include watching reruns of Peppa Pig for the 50 millionth time to really get you fired up…
The course will include a combination of (but not limited to) running over Lego pieces in bare feet, holding a phone conversation with a toddler attached to your head, getting upstairs with a basket of laundry whilst sidestepping all small cars placed on stairs and making a healthy dinner for four (which will be eaten cold by you, not eaten by two small children and complained about by your partner).
To enter, please send anecdotes or photos of your training for my amusement your inclusion in this most prestigious of games.