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Christmas, how to deal with tricky questions (or, how to lie like a pro)

Yes, Christmas is nearly here. And the questions are bound to come. So here’s my handy guide to getting round those tricky queries (or how to lie to your kids convincingly).

Is Santa real?

Yes. If he wasn’t, how would we all know about him?

No, he does not look like someone you know
No, he does not look like someone you know

How does he get around the world in one night?

SCIENCE kid. He flies the opposite way the world rotates, it gives him plenty of extra hours. Oh, and of course the reindeers are incredibly fast.

How does he eat all the mince pies and cookies and not get huge?

Weren’t you listening? He flies the opposite way to the earth rotating, it means none of the foods count. Duh.

How can he be in all the stores?

He’s not. Those Santas are Santa’s helpers and they report back. But, he pops into each and every store in the run up to Christmas to check all is going well. You can’t be sure if you’re with the real one or not, so don’t be a dickhead and start pulling the beard to check.

How can Santa get into our house without a chimney?

You can either address this with ‘I’m afraid you’re screwed’, but if that’s a bit, well, harsh try some of these –

Leave ‘Santa’s Key’ (an old one you don’t need any more) out for Santa to use.

Tell them Santa uses magic which creates a fireplace for him (leave a sprinkle of glitter somewhere which was where he got in)

Say he comes through the attic – again leave some glitter where he’d have landed.

But what about the elves/Santa’s Workshop/Will at school says he’s not real?

Look kid, you know you want that Tracey Island set? If you don’t believe you won’t get it, so zip it.

*****************************************************************************

A few tips to avoid (from a mum who has done all of these)

  • Make sure you wrap the ‘Santa’ presents in a different wrapping paper to that of the presents from you. Otherwise you’ll have to LIE ON THE SPOT (which I did) and say you buy the paper for Santa when they ask.
  • Also, don’t buy presents from Santa when the kids are with you EVEN IF THEY’RE YOUNG. My daughter was two and I thought I could get away with it, until Christmas Day when she mentions in passing ‘we got that from Sainsbury’s didn’t we?’. I covered this up by telling my son she was crazy, you can’t trust a two year old…
  • Don’t get blind drunk on Christmas Eve. And don’t wrap the presents or deliver them when you’re blind drunk. Fairly self-explanatory. Made for an interesting Christmas when four year old son was clearly getting toys for a two year old girl.

What advice do you have?

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